Losing my memory

Odd. I was absolutely sure I had written a list of all the books I had read and was planning to read this year. Never mind, I'll start again.

 On a seperate updateable page

On motivation and prioritising

Had a very interesting chat with my line manager today which has put me in a reflective mood.

I've been very pessimistic about work lately (redundancies, stagnant working practices), but this made me feel more positive about the future if only I can act on it. I am, though I wish it wasn’t so, a glass-half-empty kind of person. I know that it often makes me unable to see the wood for the trees, but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself.

My manager pointed out today however that I’m actually in one of the best positions in the office right now if I could just see it. I have the scope to be creative, to work in both the major press and across the marketing spectrum instead of production-lining ministers’ requests.

I had known this before, but I seemed to have forgotten it or something, and I don’t want to forget it again.

So how do I give myself a sunnier outlook, and how do I stop myself thinking about tomorrow’s deadline and start thinking longer term about what we need to achieve? Even now I’m procrastinating from my real work by writing this, what an idiot!

I need to start looking up training and generally start remembering that I have a great opportunity here and not to let it pass under my nose.

Need to stop living from one moment to the next and start being strategic. Sounds hard.

K. Back to work.

Commercial lust

In an attempt to avoid doing anything useful this morning I have been shopping online and I am in love. Irregular choice shoes are just beautiful beyond words and when I get married, they are the one thing I know I will wear. Because I won't be marrying my dear other half, I will be marrying the shoes. Just look at them. Look. 

Look at the gorgeous gut glass style heel and the velvet inner. The fabric has been crafted so beautifully it's practically a sculpture. 

Get cutie dresses are another thing that make me once again feel the urge to just rip out the entire contents of my wardrobe and start from scratch. When it comes down to it I lust after all these beautiful clothes and constantly end up wearing the same old practical, comfortable things. 


This is me in my head                                                   

...and in reality. Tshirts and jeans win.

Determined this will change. Starting tomorrow. Bed is too good.

So I did exactly what I expected to do and stopped using this for anything, but I will not be defeated! So I'm back. And I have some updates on all those lofty goals I listed. Actually I take that back. I moaned at myself under headings and said that I wouldn't put all the things I wanted to do off until the new year. Which I promptly did. D'oh.

So.

Activities:
Picking up. I re-started the work choir, joined another in Turnham Green and tonight will be my first step to re-discovering Gilbert and Sullivan. I never really un-discovered them really, just laid them aside I suppose. Anyhoo, looking forward to it, they're doing the Gondoliers, the first show I ever did, and now I'm dithering over whether or not to try for Tessa (always thought that the Tessa in my first producion was awful)

On gaming, I think I've reached the end of the road with Warcraft. It was always a solial thing for me, and if my friends aren't on it then I'm not on it either. It's seved me well though.

And a surprising turn in art! Got fed up of listening to the man complain that the band didn't have any decent art options so I got out the oil pastels. Need to finish it though.

Fitness:
A few steps made, but by no means on the straight and narrow yet. I've started a food diary, though lapsed on it this week (oops) and my digestive difficulties (yuck) are getting better. Though I think they currently need full time medical help. However. Must. Go. To. Gym.

Job:
Awful. There’s never been a worse time to be in the civil service in the whole time I’ve been here. Such a lot of uncertainty, and I could cope with that if I actually felt like I was being useful. But I don’t. I’m writing this at work FFS.  What I would give for someone to tell me there’s a publicity job in the music industry. I’d be out of here in a shot. One can but hope, eh?

Altogether this is a time of change for me, and I'm optimistic. Just have to live through some crap first.

This week has been hellish so far. It's no excuse for a lack of progress on all fronts, but there it is.
In a moment I'm going to be dismal, but I think it's important to clarify that my life isn't a complete mess. I have a wonderful, wonderful man, he's supportive and caring and loving and altogether a great person. When I'm with him nothing else matters, often we can just sit together enjoying each other's company no matter what else is going on.
And despite all the things that could be bette at work, my job is picking up in an odd way. Nuances that are in essence a bad thing are in fact forcing me to take more responsibility, learn and grow. Things that were good remain good, they're set to give me experience I really needed and broaden my horizons.

So to the dismal:

The house is a mess. I cannot keep it clean and in a ridiculous, cruel way, that makes me feel like a failure as a woman, a girlfriend, everything. It's gotten to the point now where I think we actually just need a huge clear out. Perhaps I'll take a day off to do it. A brutal cull.

Activities The only ones I have are very sad, and on hold.

• I play Warcraft, Warcraft hasn't been worth playing for months. It will be very soon, and I'm looking forward to it. But I won't feel comfortable spending time on that til I sort the house out.
• I haven't sewn anything in months, despite the need to do so, including a repair for my BOSS. Once again I feel like if I get that started I'll just make the house even worse.
• Singing hasn't happened pretty much since I left uni. A brief period in G&S at Cambridge three years ago and a really rubbish civil service choir can't count after so long. Some movement here - I've looked into two groups that'd be local to me, but they're all 'term' based, so will have to wait til January. Have already made sure duty can't muck it up.
• Tried to get myself involved in something new and interesting in the form of roller derby, but buying equipment before I've even tried isn't my cup of tea
• Have totally failed to find a pole dancing club. Thought it might be fun.
• Reading - I picked up a non-trash, intelligent book lately from my degree days. Thoroughly enjoying the descriptive language of Frances Partridge - it's a diary and it's better than most modern novels - and although I do enjoy good ole science fiction, maybe it's about time I read some sensible things and joined a book club?

Friends. I actually did make a push forward on this, a little one, by making plans to go try out two separate singing groups, a Gilbert and Sullivan one in Pimlico and a general one in Turnham Green. Also went out for dinner with one of my work friends. Don't go out with people from work enough, need to work on that.

Fitness Gah. £80 a week to go eat secret whoppers and never even look at an exercise machine. Wondering whether I should just give up the local gym membership and take up one nearer to work. Perhaps with the singing cgroups to go to it'd be a good opportunity to fill the time between work and that? Would love to have a pay as you go option.


Why is it that people put off all the changes they need to make in their life until the new year? What's leading me to procrastinate week after week? Must get on with it.

So, what's all this about?

Right. So this is the start of my 'new start' blog, more of a record to myself than anyone else, a diary. I need some direction, maybe if I start writing things down I might get some. Kudos goes to Teadevotee and WhoBettyWho for getting me reading blogs again in the first place.

There are two big changes that need to be made in my life, getting myself a social life and getting control over my weight. I'm hoping that one might take care of the other.

Why? I've been in London for three years and still know no-one outside of work. Seriously, that isn't good. I have a pretty happy routine with my other half, and it's nice to have someone to come home to, but I need some female friends. Lovely as he is, Adz just doesn't get shoes.

I have no idea if I'll ever even look at this again to be honest. Right now I want to.